


Emergency Help Wanted

by KirkJo (DeiDeiArtistic)



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Awkward situations, Bad First Impressions, Craigslist AU, Eventual Romance, Hijinks & Shenanigans, M/M, Pseudo-Cheating, Pseudo-Relationship, Slow Burn, enemies to frenemies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-23
Updated: 2017-07-21
Packaged: 2018-11-17 14:12:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11276934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeiDeiArtistic/pseuds/KirkJo
Summary: Alfred's lived a good life, though a small lie on his part is making him rethink the choices he's made. It took shattering news to learn that he may be tottering on a line of keeping his secret or being exposed and fired. Thankfully, someone on Craigslist comes to save his reputation, but now Alfred has to start amending his previous lies to make this whole scam work in his favour.





	1. Worst Lie Ever

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t own Hetalia, and I ripped this prompt from a post I saw on tumblr lol  
> Claimer: I own the plot of this story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alfred done fucked up

**I**

_richmond > all richmond > community > volunteers _

reply     prohibited[?]     Posted 5 minutes ago

**Emergency Help Wanted**

i fucked up, i fucked up baddddd. I’ll be honest, i’m a little scared and freaking out right now. I lied when i got my job. I told my boss i had a kid. No reason other than wanting to leave work early. yanno like, ‘Oh I’ve got to pick the squirt up from daycare’ ‘the school called and I need to pick him up from the nurse’ ‘the little guy’s sick and I’ve got to watch over him’. Long story short i'm in too deep. i didn't think it through. my lies are coming back to bite me in the ass and i’m freaking out dudes. freaking. out.

I’m looking to rent a kid for bring your kid to work day, which is I guess a real thing. and it’s next monday. and it’s wednesday. and i don’t have a son, and i need a son. so yeah i really screwed myself over here.

The kid‘s gotta be about 4 to 6 (5?) years old with blond hair. He’s gotta play soccer and pretty much he’s gotta look like the photo I ripped off Google [link]. Also he’s gotta be artistic cause the macaroni noodle drawings [link] i made seem a little too advanced for someone his age, so he’s got to also respond to “My Little Picasso” cause i may or may not call him that. Also i will pay extra for someone willing to play the role of ‘Nadia’ when dropping him off. ‘Nadia’ is a defense attorney and is too busy to take of our son (which is why I’m the ‘emergency contact’ for our son), and you know what just message me for the deets

Renting price is debatable but I’m willing to pay $50.

EDIT: i am not a pedophile, i just need a fake son for bring your kid to work day WHICH IS REALLY SOON PLEASE HELP I DON’T WANT TO GET FIRED I’VE JUST STARTED WORKING HERE FOUR MONTHS AGO DDDD;

  * serious inquiries only
  * do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers



post id: 0007041776     posted: 5 minutes ago     updated: about 1 minute ago     email to friend     best of[?]

* * *

Alfred stared at his ad and gnawed on his lip. That was a good ad, right? Alfred sat up straight from his computer and combed his bangs back, pulling down his hair in frustration. He was currently at home, sitting on his bed trying to relax from the day he’s had. It wasn’t a bad day at work per se, however just the last few hours of it had Alfred’s world shaking. As foretold in his ad, Alfred needed a child to bring over to work. And at 22 years old and still in college, Alfred did in fact not have a son. A small lie on a job application that grew bigger over the last four months.

It was wrong to lie to his boss like that, but Alfred had to be Alfred and do such for selfish reasons. So as he filled out his application online, he stupidly lied about having a son, and he got the job, lie and all. Soon it became more than the small white lie that gave him a somewhat larger paycheck. Not too long after he started working his first weeks in the office, Alfred dared himself to abuse his lie. He started to use his “son” as a get-out-of-work card.

Excuse after excuse, Alfred was squeezing out of work to pick up his kid, but in reality he was leaving for a matinee, or going out with his friends, or go shopping. Whenever Alfred wasn’t feeling like a whole day of work, he faked calls and texts to get himself out of work on short notice. Despite his recklessness though, he’d always been wary to draw out those absences so as not to draw attention to himself.

However, no matter how cautious Alfred thought himself to be, it didn’t matter any more. The morning had gone on regularly until lunch, when his coworker Elizaveta asked Alfred if he was going to bring over his son to work. Alfred though she was joking and he laughed, asking why he’d do that. And then Elizaveta told him about Bring Your Kid to Work Day, and in that moment of time, Alfred _really_ wished she was joking.

Naturally Alfred tried to brush away the subject, saying he didn’t want to bring his son to work if the kid.

_“Nah, he’d get bored sitting in an office with me all day. Kid likes his TV and games.”_

That alone should have squeezed Alfred from having to bring his kid to work, but Elizaveta gave him an incredulous look before promptly breaking Alfred’s hope. Unbeknownst to him, there was a daycare center available for him to drop of his son from within work. Elizaveta had patted Alfred’s shoulder as if she’d just eased his worries.

_“Oh don’t worry about that. Your son won’t be bored at all. I’m bringing my son over and I think Berwald is as well. There will be a lot for them to do here. Come on, it’ll be fun and exciting for them.” Elizaveta said, nudging Alfred with her elbow._

Against his better judgement, Alfred found himself agreeing, or at least promising that he’d think about it. And before he knew it, after lunch was over and the rest of the day came and went, it seemed liked everyone was excited to see Alfred’s son. And Alfred never felt scared for a lie than the time he told his mother that he didn't use her credit card for a porn subscription back in high school (he did and he mostly felt embarrassed by that thinking back).

Still, Alfred wasn’t sure how he was going to get out of this lie. Lying to his mom got him grounded, but being fired from a job was worse. And he had no idea how to fix it. His only idea was his Craigslist ad, but… Objectively, it’s wasn't _the_ worse ad out there, but seriously, what the hell was he thinking?

In a perfect world, he could ask a friend if he could borrow their kid and he could go to work pretending he had a child and he can still have his job and that solves that. Hmm, on second thought. That would be a very questionable world, but that’s what Alfred was pretty much hoping for. For once Alfred wished he had a better sense of consequence. Or that he paid more attention to the very real reality of risks in the first place. Living in the moment wasn't always such good idea it seemed.

Glancing at his clock, Alfred winced as he read the time. 7:24PM. In a little over four days, Alfred needed to find a kid. He’s only just posted his ad online, but Alfred could just feel that Monday would be upon him and all his lies would tumble down on him. Exiting his browser, Alfred shoved his laptop away and flopped down on his pillows as he turned to his side.

Pulling up his smartphone, Alfred loaded his search on Craigslist to look at his ad once again. This really was too short of a notice to make a request. Sure people might see it, but how the hell was Alfred going to find a kid that looked similar to a photo he found on Google? Hell, what kind of parent would rent out their child to some stranger? Well, Alfred’s not a creeper so it’s not like he’s going to do anything to the kid. Just sit him in the daycare center until his shift was over… If anyone took his offer that was.

Narrowing his eyes, Alfred swiped through his notifications. Looking at his latest messages, there were no new texts, especially from unknown numbers. There were certainly no calls either, and there were no new emails. It was just the same mix of read and unread messages. No new notifications that pointed to his ad yet he kept staring at his phone hoping that a text, a call, a notification would sound and someone out there was asking, “Hey are you still looking to rent a kid?”

Alfred shuddered. Okay that sounded awful but he _really_ was desperate. Navigating through his contacts, Alfred clicked on his brother and listened to the dial as he waited for his brother to answer. When Matthew finally picked up, Alfred let out a mixture of a groan and a sigh.

“Fuck, Mattie help me. I screwed up, I screwed up _bad_.” Alfred cried as he sat back up with his legs crossed. “Look, can I meet you up at your place?”

_"Why am I not surprised this is the first thing I hear from you.”_

“Mattie, I love you, but I’m in no mood for your flat attitude. I seriously need help.” Alfred frowned as he heard his brother snort in disbelief.

_“Why? Is it a little too much to ask for a brother that calls out of genuine love and affection, maybe asks about my day, and not because it sounds like he pissed off a drug dealer over bad crack.”_

Alfred furrowed his brows. He wasn't sure what Matthew was doing at the moment, but maybe Alfred hadn’t called him at a good time? Matthew seemed a lot more grouchier than normal. Or in general. “Um…”

_“Exactly,”_ Alfred heard Matthew sigh. _“Fine, you can come over.”_

At that, Alfred jumpt from his bed and began to toe-on his shoes. “Oh great! Thanks, I just really need to talk to you and I don't think a phone call will cut it.”

_“Um, you didn't really piss off a crack dealer did you?”_

Alfred let out a weak laugh as he grabbed his jacket and set his phone down on his bed. “I put you on speaker but _god_ Matt, I _wished_ I pissed off a crack dealer. I’d gladly receive a bloody finger from the Mexican cartel then fucking get fired from my job.”

_“Okay— wait what do you mean get fired? You didn't steal anything, did you?”_ Matthew asked, his voice buzzing over the mic as Alfred stuttered incoherently before promptly shrugging on his jacket and grabbing his phone.

“Uh, I’m heading out now but I’ll tell you more about it when I come over. You haven't eaten right? No? Okay! I’m bringing over Mickey D’s then. ‘Kay, love you, bye!” Alfred called out before promptly hanging up on his brother.

Wincing as he looked at his phone, Alfred quickly pocketed it as he grabbed his keys and headed out from his studio apartment. He knew Matthew was definitely not happy with him, but Alfred preferred not to get into it over phone.

“Sorry Matt, but I’ll explain everything when I come over,” Alfred muttered to himself as he locked up his door. “God you’re going to be so mad at me…”

**II**

When Alfred arrived at Matthew’s, he was wearing a wary smile and holding drinks and a bag from McDonald's, but the look on his brother’s face told him dinner wasn’t going to ease the trouble he was in. But Alfred really needed to confide to his brother, and McDonald's was his comfort food.

Making way for his brother to step inside, Matthew leaned against the door with his arms crossed. “Seriously, what did you do? Just what is this about you getting fired?” He asked as Alfred sat the bag of McDonald's on his kitchen counter. “Did you steal something?”

Rolling his eyes, Alfred grunted as he rummaged through the bag to get his food. “Dude, I’m not a lifter. What am I going to steal? A stapler? No I just… I lied in my application, okay?”

“Lied? About what?” Matthew asked as he closed his door to stalk over to Alfred.

Even though he asked to meet in person, Alfred was hesitant about answering. Hell, he called Matthew just to confess about this and now he wasn’t so sure about that any more. But it was a little too late to run. Grabbing his burger and his drink, Alfred turned away from Matthew and walked over to the living room.

In Matthew’s living room, there were papers and textbooks stacked here and there over the coffee table and sofas as well as pens and markers. The TV was on but set to low and Alfred figured Matthew was using it for background noise as he did homework. Whoops.

“Alfred? What did you lie about?” He heard Matthew ask again, a little more firmly than before. “It’s not like tax fraud or anything like that, right? You didn’t do anything _illegal_ , right?”

“No, nothing like that but…” Alfred flushed and started feeling both sheepish and ashamed. He toyed a bit with the burger in his hand, taking a bite as he contemplated his thoughts. “I, uh… Does lying about having a kid count as illegal? Like, pretending to have a son?”

After that, the room was in complete silence except for the noise from the TV. For a moment, Alfred wondered if Matthew heard him at all, or if what he said ever made sense. But Matthew definitely heard him.

“You lied?” Matthew shouted. The look and sound of him told Alfred he was exasperated as ever. And Alfred didn't blame him, however he felt more comfortable talking about this with Matthew than anyone else. Even if Matthew was mad as hell at him.

“You lied about having a kid!? I, I— Why would you do that!? Who even does that? Literally lying that you have a kid? What point is there even… That is the most stupidest—”

“Yes Mattie! It’s stupid! I know!” Alfred shouted back, nearly squashing the burger in his hand. “God I know it’s stupid, but sometimes I wanted a fake excuse to get out of work and—”

“And so you lie about having a kid? Oh my god, Al, you should get fired.” Matthew deadpanned. Alfred could feel himself turning red, but he bit his tongue and let his brother speak. “Seriously Al, what the fuck.”

“I know, I know! I _really_ fucked up with some stupid shit, and prolly for all the wrong reasons, but Matt I _can't_ get fired. It’s not going to look good for me in the long run for the next time I look for a job.”

With his own meal in hand, Matthew finally joined Alfred in the living room. Plopping down next to his books, Matthew shook his head as he took a sip of his drink. “Well maybe you should have thought about that _before_ you said you had a _kid_.”

At that, Alfred tossed a couple of fries into his mouth and pouted. “I know. I just… I thought it wouldn't be that big a deal and that I’d get to cut work short for ‘family emergencies’ and… Fuck I’m just really stupid Matt.”

“I know. I’m sitting here next to you explain that you lied about having a kid.” Matthew said dryly as he flicked a fry at Alfred.

“Mattie, I don't know what to do here. This Monday, it's Bring Your Kid to Work Day— which apparently is a real thing! I thought those were just stereotypical TV plots but! It’s real and I’m really fucked because I promised I’d bring my kid to work!”

“But you don't have a kid.”

“Exactly!” Alfred shouted as he finished off the rest of his bigger. Rolling his wrapper into a ball, Alfred took a swig of his soda. Leaning back on the couch, Alfred groaned. “I’m freaking out. I know it's only Wednesday, but I don't think anyone will respond to my ad on time.”

Stopping mid-bite, Matthew looked at Alfred questioningly. “Wait, what ad?”

“Um… My ad on Craigslist?” Alfred said out meekly. Did he fuck up even more by making that?

“Your ad on _Craigslist_. Do… Do I even want to ask what you even wrote?” Matthew asked as he resumed eating his burger.

“Uh… Maybe? Hold on, I still have the page on my phone.” Alfred said as he took out his phone. Loading his web app, Alfred handed his phone over to Matthew.

Quietly munching on fries, Alfred watched his brother's eyes flick left and right as they scanned over his ad. The silence was making him a bit worried, but it hardly mattered given Alfred was more concerned about Monday.

“You know, writing ‘I’m not a pedophile’ makes you more suspicious of being a pedophile.” Matthew said as he handed Alfred back his phone.

“I think it's suspicious either way because I’m _fucking_ desperate Matt. I am literally begging to rent someone’s kid and fuck there really is no better way to say that.”

Matthew shrugged and smiled at Alfred. “The point still stands, but what are you going to do if no one replies to your ad?”

“Start looking for a new job and turn in my two-week notice.”

“Then why worry about bringing a kid? Just do that.” Matthew asked as he watched Alfred bury his face into his hands.

“Because it's a really good gig and with a nice work-study program. Just sitting at my desk and looking pretty as a receptionist. Taking calls, helping out with directions, doing my homework when there’s not much to do. My coworkers are pretty nice…”

“Well if it’s so good, why bother faking having a kid.”

“Because it also gets boring and we’ve already addressed that I’m stupid, okay?”

Matthew rolled his eyes with a shake of his head. “Okay, so, what are you going to do?”

Alfred sighed and his shoulders slumped. “I don't know. I just had to vent. I’m sorry for bothering you. I saw that you’re doing homework.”

“It’s fine. Thanks for telling me though. It’ll be less of a surprise when you get fired.”

“Too soon Mattie,” Alfred pouted as he watched Matthew laugh to himself.

“Sorry, just… I guess I hope things turn out fine for you. I mean, what you did was really stupid, Al, but you’re my younger brother and I don't like seeing you get in trouble, even though I should be used to that…” Matthew said as he crumpled up his burger wrapper.

“Ha, thanks.” Alfred said dryly as he looked over at the papers Matthew had out and about. “So what are you doing anyway?”

“I’m making notes for a test I have soon.”

Alfred picked up some of the papers, furrowing his brows as he looked over at them. Psychology. He could hardly understand whatever he was looking at. Alfred was studying robotics and artificial intelligence, the study of the human brain was hardly his expertise. Still, he interrupted his brother’s study time.

“Sorry for bothering you, anything I can help you with?” Alfred asked as he set the papers back.

“Hmm, throw away this garbage, but I guess you could help me with some notecards?” Matthew said as he gestured to the McDonald's wrappers and his work.

“Alright, cool.” Alfred said as he began to pick up after his brother and himself. Not too long after that, despite the fight with his brother, Alfred felt better than before. Sure, he was still worried about the situation, but at least Matthew was on his side. Even if by a little.

 


	2. It's Not Funny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The turn in Alfred's tide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let's pretend I didn't prioritize binge watching Erased instead of posting this...  
> also happy birthday Alfred :D

**I**

Settled in the student lobby of his university, Alfred was moping amongst his friends. Last night when he left Matthew’s, Alfred felt hopeful that good would come his way, that by morning, his wishes would be answered and his problems solved. Unfortunately, Alfred’s optimism was crushed by the ton-heavy reality that life never went smooth for anyone. By the morning Alfred woke up refreshed and teetering on whether he really wanted to go to school that day, as soon as Alfred donned his glasses, Alfred grabbed his phone and swiped to look at his notifications.

Scrolling through every notification, email after email, text by text, media by media, Alfred saw not what his heart desired. Clearing all his messages, Alfred’s worry returned as his stomach begin to flip as he readied himself for the day. Functioning on autopilot, Alfred’s mind kept backtracking to his ad. Instead of paying attention to his morning course lecture on ethics in robotics, Alfred’s eyes were glancing at his phone, wondering if he’d gotten a message.

By noon and two courses later, Alfred was lounging at the student lobby, playing COD with his high school peer Ivan, and two other gents Mathias and Gilbert. Mathias, over the course of meeting him in community college, was an engineering undergrad, and Gilbert was a returned vet, and taking the same engineering program as Mathias. Although Mathias came from Alfred’s rivaling high school, and Gilbert’s time in the forces, they all had at some point taken classes together as well as held an interest in video games.

Currently, Gilbert was camping the hell out of everyone in COD and denying that he was screen-peeking. As Alfred watched his character receive a headshot from Mathias, Alfred sighed and took out his phone, swiping away notifications. All his latests texts were either from Matthew alone, Eduard from his SEPL class, and a miscellaneous SMS about his data plan. All his emails were rewards or sales promotions, and all his spam was from a Canadian pharmacy about Viagra or some sex-related hack. The lack of news about his ad was beginning to bum Alfred out, he could hardly focus on the game at hand.

“Dude, what’s wrong? That’s like the hundredth time you’ve checked your phone.” Mathias said, drawing Alfred’s attention away from his phone. Embarrassed that he was caught on his phone, Alfred locked it and shrugged off Mathias’ comment.

“Yeah, what are you? A millennial?” Gilbert joked, earning smothered scoffs and laughs from around. Rolling his eyes, Alfred lifted himself up from where he sat and pocketed his phone.

“Oh piss off. You’re not _that_ much older than us.”

“I refuse to believe Ivan is fucking 23. That’s bullshit.” Gilbert argued as he pointed to his left, where Ivan sat on a stool beside the lobby’s matching couch.

Ever since Ivan’s growth spurt back in their junior year of high school, Alfred has seen people time and time again be bewildered by his friend’s towering height and size. When a 16 year old was reaching 6 feet and 172 lbs, teachers and even parents were dumbfounded by Ivan’s large stature. While puberty had Alfred grow into his baby fat and larger shoes, puberty got Ivan into R-rated movies.

“Grow taller and maybe I’ll believe you’re 29.” Ivan smiled as he reached over to pat Gilbert on the head. That gesture alone caused the group to laugh, including Alfred, but as Gilbert swatted Ivan’s hand away, he was fuming.

“Fuck you bitches,” Gilbert grunted before returning to catch Alfred checking his phone once again. “Seriously though, your phone? You’ve been checking it all day, what is it?”

“Nothing, just…” Alfred trailed off, trying to think of an excuse. None came. “I’m just clearing out my messages is all.” Alfred mumbled unintelligibly before Mathias spoke up.

“Oh? Or is it a girl?” He asked, pausing for a moment. “Or a guy.”

Alfred shook his head and flushed. “Neither my dude. It’s not a fling text or anything like that. I’m just waiting for a message is all.”

Unfortunately for Alfred, Ivan caught his lie right away. “Didn’t you just say you were only ‘clearing out’ your messages?”

“Shit.”

“Haha! Spill it, who is it?” Mathias asked as he quickly reached to grab Alfred’s phone.

“Hey—! Fuck off! Just someone, okay?” Alfred huffed as he held his phone close to his chest. “Look, guys, it’s not that big a deal, okay? It’s just a phone.”

“It is when you gaming is shitting hard. Seriously, you’ve only been making like 6 kills because you keep looking at your damn phone.” Gilbert pointed out, making Alfred flush with embarrassment.

“Seriously, who’d you hook up with? Pics or it didn't happen.” Mathias joked as he wiggled his brows at Alfred.

“Dudes, I was at Matthew’s last night. There was no hooking up with anyone.” Alfred deadpanned as he crossed his arms.

“I’d hope not. That’s your brother, man.”

“Okay, one. Shut up, Gilbert. Two. I’m not waiting on a text from a hook-up or anyone like that.” Alfred started as he looked at his friend's. Staring at them, Alfred contemplated on whether or not he should inform them of yesterday’s events… Part of him was iffy, but they were also his friends…

“Well? What is it then? Are you waiting for like a package or something?” Mathias asked.

“Are you still reading fanfiction for Steggy?” Ivan quipped innocently, grinning impishly at Alfred who turned red on the spot. That asshole.

“Okay bro, I _confided_ that information to you in high school and you just blurt it out like that? We’re talking about this later, okay?” Alfred started before clearing his throat. He’d like to retain whatever dignity he had left this week. “But no, it's not anything from Amazon or an update… Um, yesterday I put out an ad on Craigslist and so I’m just waiting for a text or something from someone.”

“For what?” Gilbert asked. “What, you selling something? Buying something?”

Alfred made a face and frowned. Now, how should he explain this delicately? When he tried explaining this to Matthew, it went downhill fast before he could explain himself, or his actions. That and there is no easy way to confess this. He’d have to be smart about this. Something politically correct. “No. I am… I am looking to get a kid from someone.”

There was a reason Alfred wasn’t an English major. Aside his dyslexia, Alfred was no Lord Tennyson much less a literary genius. That said, as soon as Alfred spoke those words, it was in a moment like this, Alfred could feel the regret pool into his stomach as his group sunk into silence.

“Um, that came out wrong.”

“Holy shit Alfred, you want to be a dad?” Mathias balked, staring at Alfred in shock.

“Why are you looking into Craigslist for that? Getting a kid is easy,” Gilbert started as he leaned forward on his seat with a devious glint in his eye.

“Gilbert, I don’t think Alfred has nine months to wait for a child.” Ivan pointed out, ignoring the heated face Alfred was giving his friends.

“What? No, you guys, I’m not— the kid needs to be _born_ already!”

“So you’re looking for a PILF?” Mathias asked. “You know, like ‘Parent I’d Like to Fuck’?”

“Dude if you’re looking for some hot moms—”

Ignoring his friend’s useless antics, Alfred groaned and rubbed his hands over his face. As much as he loved his friends, sometimes they got carried away in their own ideas. He appreciated the sentiment, but Alfred wasn’t some parent-chaser.

“Oh my god, no. I’m not looking for MILFs or whatever. It’s just the _kid_ I need.” Alfred stressed, evening his voice into a firm tone.

“Hmm, I’ve never pegged you to be the father-type…” Ivan muttered as he scratched his chin in wonder. “What sort of backdoor adoptions are you looking into?”

“Adopting? Alfred, speaking from a guy raising his younger siblings, I don’t think you’re anywhere ready to take care of a kid.” Gilbert said, shaking his head in disbelief. “Not that there’s anything wrong with you, but you can barely afford yourself at 22 and outside of here, I have a job and you have like a little part-time job.”

Scrunching his nose in confusion and disbelief, Alfred shook his head. “Oh my god none of you are listening to me. I’m looking to _borrow_ someone’s kid for like, a day. And thanks Gilbert, glad you think so highly of me.” Alfred grunted as he rubbed the bridge of his nose.

Gilbert shrugged. “Sorry but I’m telling it like it is.”

“Alfred, why do you need to borrow someone’s kid? If not to adopt?” Ivan asked.

“Uh… I’m asking to rent a kid for Bring Your Kid to Work Day.”

After that, the whole group went silent. A reasonably better reaction than Matthew’s, but their dumbstruck faces made Alfred second-guess himself. Had he said something dumb? Aside the obvious of course. Ivan was the first to speak.

“Ah. What did you fuck up now?”

Alfred grimaced. In the years Alfred’s known Ivan, they were as thick as thieves. From their early days of creating experimental rockets at the park, Ivan proof-reading Alfred’s papers, the two punching each other in the crotch with their peers, getting into fights, competing with each other academically, and spending countless times over one another’s house, there was little Ivan didn’t know about Alfred and vice versa. When it came to Ivan, there really wasn’t a way for Alfred to skirt around the issue.

Sighing in defeat, Alfred brushed his hair back. “I lied in my resume and now everyone at my work thinks I’ve got a kid, so I went on Craigslist asking to rent out someone’s kid.”

“Who the fuck lies about having a kid?” Gilbert asked, earning a snort from Alfred.

“That’s what _Matthew_ said.”

“Okay, so you lied about having a kid, makes you a dumbass, but we already know that.” Gilbert snarked as he bumped fists with Mathias.

“Har har har, save the speech. I already got an earful from Matthew.” Alfred said lamely.

“Ha, I’m not here to parent you. But… What are you going to do?” Gilbert asked.

“ _Well_ , I know I dug myself deep in this hole, but I’m just really hopeful that there’s going to be someone out there who’s going to lend me their kid for a couple hours for work. It’s like, a parent-child day and I sort of made the impression that I have this artsy Einstein that plays soccer.” Alfred explained sheepishly as he studied the amused faces of his friends.

“I think you’re overthinking this. Getting a kid is easy Alfred,” Gilbert said matter-o-fact.

Alfred rolled his eyes. “I’m not knocking anyone up Gilbert. I need this kid by Monday.”

Gilbert made a face and started to laugh. Biting his lip, Gilbert tried to compose himself as he spoke. “Who said anything about knocking someone up? Just go to the park, take a kid, go home. Problem solved.” Gilbert laughed, finally giving into his laughing fit that incited the bursts of laughter from Mathias and Ivan.

Alfred scowled. “Fuck you Gilbert. I’m not a goddamn pervert.”

“I was just trying to be helpful!” Gilbert cried and he held his stomach. With the three men laughing up a storm, the other students in the lobby quieted as they turned their attention to Alfred and his group. Embarrassed, Alfred sulked further into the couch.

“You guys… Fucking… Suck.” Alfred groaned as he ducked his head into his arms. "It's not funny assholes!"

“You’re fucking asking to rent a kid! For some parent-kid thing!” Gilbert laughed, holding his sides as he face was red with laughter.

“Alfred, you should _totally_ get with a PILF! How many parents have you seen taking classes here?” Mathias asked he waggled his brows at Alfred.

“Or maybe you should look into adoptions.” Ivan brought up, sparking an idea in Gilbert.

“Do adoptions do test drives for children?”

“Guys, no. I’m not going to do that to a kid. Like, false hope and stuff. I just need a kid for a day, it shouldn’t be that hard.”

“Hey, what’s your ad? Maybe I can share it? I mean, I got friends with kids.” Gilbert offered. Alfred looked at him quizzically.

“Your friends would be okay with that?” He asked. After all, it was still such a strange request.

“Prolly not, but it can’t hurt to try. But after this shit, it’s game time.”

Alfred grinned as he pulled out his phone once more. Sharing his ad with Gilbert, Alfred finally tucked his phone away. They after all only had a limited time of leisure before heading back to classes or elsewhere. Grabbing his controller, Alfred was ready to set his game on when Mathias broke into his thoughts.

“Ah, before we begin. What the hell is ‘Steggy’?” He asked ever so innocently. Alfred inwardly cursed. Damnit Ivan. He could trust Kiku with his fandom interests, but Ivan could never grasp the importance and privacy of a man’s OTP in public.

**II**

Back at home and out of school hours, Alfred was once again on his bed, surrounded by textbooks and papers. He was supposedly doing homework, but he was on his phone looking at his ad. More than half a day has gone and he’s got nothing. He really screwed this one up, hadn’t he? Alfred scratched at his chin. What would happen if he didn’t bring a kid to work? Surely it wasn’t that big a deal? No one actually cares if he brought a kid with him or not. His coworkers were just curious, Alfred couldn’t see how some parent-child activity day would be mandatory.

Alfred couldn’t be fired for something optional, right?

Alfred pursed his lips. How often do companies do background checks? What led someone having their background checked? Well, someone would have to be suspicious of Alfred first. And could Alfred have done to make someone be suspicious of him? No one goes to work thinking their coworker may be faking about having a kid or family. Alfred usually goes to work wondering what his coworkers do the moment they leave their office doors. And other times he was counting the hours until he could leave the office doors…

Looking at the clock, it was 5:04. Soon he’d be getting dinner, and then ready for bed. But he had neither school nor work on Friday. Tapping his fingers along his thigh, Alfred wondered what to do. Continue homework… Or play games. The latter tempted him very much, but Alfred shooed away the thought.

“Okay, if I finish all my homework today, tomorrow I will spend a free day with my brother, at the movies.” Alfred said to no one but himself. “When I finish my homework, someone will text me about my ad, and I’ll have a grea— good weekend.”

Taking a deep breath, Alfred smiled to himself. Sounds like a plan. It gave him a hopeful burst of energy. Setting aside his phone and facing the screen down, Alfred adjusted his glasses as he set himself to work.

There on his bed with books scattered on his bed, Alfred’s eyes were glued to his screen as he worked on his assignments. Time seemed to move both fast and slow as he finished one assignment after another.

Of his assignments, Alfred prefers his video assigns over having to read written texts. While the videos took time in watching, sometimes reiterating information he already knew, reading his assigned texts was infuriating for him. Dyslexia and all. Regular English was a nuisance he’d come to get used to. College English because annoying, but he’d had the tutoring center at his college to help him with his assignments. The language of programming and mathematics? Completely not English.

Of course, Alfred can do the work, but there was hardly anyone at the tutoring center could look at his assignments and wonder if he’d done them correctly. Frustrating, but knowing he could have Kiku check his work sometime during the weekend… Alfred furrowed his brows as he stopped the typo he wrote. And the one in line 4. Or line 1. Alfred groaned. He hated writing. Especially for school work.

Yawning, Alfred rubbing his eyes and focused himself on his typos. Where were they? Wait, what time is it? Alfred stretched out his arms and arched his back. Looking at the time, Alfred was not surprised by how late it was. It was past 10, but he had at least and hour more before midnight. He could finish the work. It wasn't perfect, but he could finish it and given himself the weekend. It was a pain, but in the final minute that he finished his assignment, Alfred felt a wave of relief.

He was done.

Blinking and trying to wake his eyes. Alfred shut his laptop and started to move his books off his bed. His body was aching a bit, and he forgot to eat (dammit), but he was done and he’d have a big breakfast tomorrow. Getting ready for bed, Alfred was tucking himself in when he grabbed his phone. Looking at his notifications, Alfred’s breath was caught in his throat.

 

****555-149-1923** **

**‘Emergency Help Wanted’. You’re a bit of a special case, aren't you?**

Alfred stared dumbly at his phone. Shit, when did he get this text? 8:13. Fuck… Should he answer now? Or in the morning? What time in the morning would he text back? What would he even say? Alfred tapped his thumb questioningly over his screen. It couldn't hurt now to text back.

**is that a i’m here to hlep u? :DDDD**

Alfred stared at his screen, holding his phone close and anticipating, no, hoping for a text back. Even if it was late, Alfred was hoping for a text back. He got a text back.

**Do you know what time it is?  
It’s 12:05…**

**sorry!** **i was diong hw :(((**

**Are you some sort of middle schooler...**

Alfred stared at the text. What?

**why wuold i be a middle schooler? im 22 :T**

**Holy crap...**

Well _that_ didn't answer anything.

 **...so**  
**r u going to help me?**

 **Maybe... Why don't we talk in the morning?**  
**Face to face...**

**sure where?**

From there, Alfred was texting back and forth with the stranger, debating on where and when to meet. Alfred lived in the North Side of Richmond, while the stranger Southside of Richmond, so picking a place had been tricky until they both settled on meeting at a Starbucks in between. Around 10. Which was fine by Alfred.

By the time Alfred put down his phone, he bore a wide smile. Fluffing his pillow, Alfred laid down as he found himself excited for Friday. Alfred felt proud that he finished his work. Looks like that goal gave him a good weekend! Tossing around on his bed, the person Alfred talked was still on his mind, but nonetheless he was excited. Friday was the start of his good future!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, how was that for a chapter?  
> not all that exciting, but who's looking forward to chapter 3? No? Just me? lmao


	3. Stranger Danger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who's ready for some daddy Arthur? Not Alfred that's who.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let’s try something different...

**I**

Tapping his fingers along the wheel of his car, Arthur’s mind wandered back to the night before. The texts were still fresh in his mind, and while there wasn't anything particularly suspicious, not out right at least, Arthur was still disturbed by the events that lead to this. Turning his wrist, Arthur stared at his watch. It was around 10 that he was to meet with this Craigslist stranger, and at a Starbucks no less. How casual and quaint when Arthur never felt more shaken.

Arthur’s eyes snapped forward when the driver behind him honked their horn at him. Green light. Stepping on the gas, Arthur motioned a one-finger salute to the driver that honked at him. Keeping his eyes on the road, Arthur spoke to his only child settled in the back of his car.

“Peter, when you're older and driving a car, don't drive like daddy.” Arthur said as he watched Peter from his rear-view mirror.

“Okay daddy,” the boy said dutifully and nearly too chipper. Arthur snorted and wondered if Peter even paid attention to what happened. Perhaps not, but no one can say Arthur never tried instilling life lessons onto Peter. He had nearly a decade to worry about Peter ever taking the wheel.

“Have you all your homework done? Do I need to sign anything?” Arthur asked, hearing Peter humming in the back.

“Uh… Um… My home-work folder…” Peter stuttered as he grabbed his backpack and unzipped it. Arthur clicked his tongue. He didn't like when Peter waited the last minute to ask him things, but nonetheless, Peter is his son.

“Keep your folder out, when we’re at your school, I’ll sign it then.” Arthur said as he returned his focus to dropping Peter off at school. Peter is his son, and so it was only natural that even with whatever little annoyances his son may provide, he’d do anything for Peter. Even as far as confronting a potential creep.

After signing in Peter’s homework folder, Arthur had dropped Peter off at school and begun his way over to Francis’ work. It was thanks to Francis that Arthur found the Craigslist ad. Francis had shared the ad to Arthur and at first, Arthur found the post to be stupid. What sort of person lies about having a child? And at work no less? However, Arthur had also been humoured by the ad. It was just far too stupid to deny a laugh, but his laughing ceased when he saw the picture.

Peter. The stranger had a picture of _Peter_ on his desk. Some looney that Arthur had no knowing of had a picture of Peter on his desk and now he was asking of other parents to _rent_ out their child to him. There was nothing funny about this anymore. Arthur was livid. And that’s why he’s going to Francis.

When Arthur arrived to Francis’ work, a resort & spa, he was met with Francis typing away on his computer at Reception. Striding over to Francis, Arthur knocked on the desk, promptly scaring Francis from his trance at the computer.

“Oh, Arthur, I don't presume you’re here to book an appointment?” Francis asked, taking off his reading glasses and setting them aside. He never really liked wearing his reading glasses for others to see. He complained they made him look old, but still he wore them when he needed to.

“Yes, I was thinking about perhaps a hot stone massage, and a mud bath for kicks.” Arthur snorted. “No, I’m here to talk about last night. How did you come across that ad with Peter?” Arthur asked as he leaned over. Francis hummed and crossed his legs as he relaxed in his chair.

“It was shared to me, though I think by mistake. I was asked if I could help… But the closet to children I have are Chloe and Angélique. Not that I would help, that’s far too suspicious.” Francis said as he stared up at Arthur. “So, what are you going to do? Are you going to ask him to take it down? Or the photo at least.”

Arthur stalled. “Not exactly. I’m actually going to meet with him later today. At 10, really.”

Francis stared at Arthur with an audible gasp. “You’re what? You’re… You’re not actually considering to—”

“If course not! I’m going to give that shit a piece of my mind!” Arthur snarled, ignoring Francis’ request to “keep his language down.”

“Look, I messaged them last night and arranged a meeting with them.” Arthur said, taking his phone and handing it over to Francis. As Francis read his texts, Arthur watched his face go from concerned to confused.

“He really does write like a child…” Francis muttered as he returned Arthur’s phone.

“He does and then with his request… I can't tell if he’s just a really stupid pedophile or some kid making a strange request. Am I being too sensitive over this? Should I just ignore it? Let him be damned if this real?”

“It’s your child. I don't think it's that far of a stretch to assume this would count as form of catfishing. What if someone who knows this stranger saw Peter with you? They’d assume you kidnapped your own son.”

“Assuming this is real, I think that’d be far too coincidental to actually happen.” Arthur huffed with a roll of his eyes. “But you make a fair point. I just don't want some stranger having a picture if Peter— it's one thing to share personal photos with my friends, but something another to have a mere stranger with your child’s photo.”

“So what _are_ you going to do,” Francis asked as he watched Arthur walk around in frustrated circles.

“If this guy turns out to be real, I’m going to kick his ass.”

“In a Starbucks? You’ll be arrested.”

“Not if he’s a damn pedophile, I’d be protecting my son.”

“Well, be cautious. Don't start a scene.”

“I won't, I came here to inform you is all.”

“So when you’re arrested, I’d at least know? How kind of you.” Francis joked.

“Har har,” Arthur laughed dryly. “Well, I’ll let you be now. I’m sure I’ve taken enough of your time here.”

“Oh please, as far as anyone knows I’m just giving you directions to the nearest Starbucks so you won’t be late to your meeting.” Francis mused as he grabbed his reading glances once more. “Tell me how the meeting goes— and do you have work today? Usually you’re at work by now. Do you need Chloe to pick up Peter?”

“I will, and yes. I’m working the late shift today. I’d appreciate it if Chloe can watch Peter while I’m working.”

“I’ll send her a message then,” Francis said as he resumed his work. “Take care Arthur, don’t do anything reckless.”

“Ta, and I’ll see about that.” Arthur trailed off as he left Francis to his work.

He’d passed some time with Francis, but now he had a few hours to kill until it was 10. He really knew nothing of this stranger, even with these short texts from him. And well, he didn’t even know if this stranger was even a man. Arthur just naturally assumed so because the nature of the ad was far too stupid to be have done by a woman. There really was just too many questions about this ad that what if it _is_ a prank? The stranger claimed to be 22, but Arthur had no reason to trust that was the truth. And then if it wasn’t a prank, the possibility of the stranger being a pervert was high, but would one really write such an absurd excuse? It hardly was believable…

**II**

It short off 10 o’clock and Arthur was lounging at a high table in Starbucks. The mixed aroma scents within the cafe were heavy with espresso and the breakfast menu, but also sweet with spices and sweets. It was rather pleasant, but also very chatty with the few yet many people inside the cafe.

There were college students scattered here and there, some eating, some not. There was middle aged man writing on his laptop with papers and envelopes scattered over his table. Was he doing his bills here? Farther from where Arthur was perched, a group of white collar men talking with one another at a table— one even going as far as taking a seat from another table. And just in front of where Arthur sat, there were soccer moms and golf dads lounging at the couches. One of the soccer moms was failing her attempt at whispering discreetly to one of her posse, making snide comments about a bloke that sounded too suspiciously like Arthur. Arthur didn’t really care.

He was here for one reason and that was to meet with the stranger, if he was actually going to come that is. Arthur didn’t really expect the guy to come. This could be a fake out, the guy could have chickened out because his story really was a bluff. Or maybe he was suspicious of Arthur. The guy should be smart to given Arthur wanted to kick his ass. The guy would have to give Arthur some damning information for why Arthur shouldn’t beat him to a pulp.

Still, Arthur had no clue what to expect of the guy. Some obviously-not-22 sweaty old geezer? Some social awkward 30 year old? A teen that didn’t think anyone would take their prank bait seriously? For a moment Arthur wondered if this was possibly a strange set-up for television, the headline would read, _“British man tries to sell child to stranger over Craigslist.”_ Arthur’s nose twisted. No, the headline would read, _“British man assaults actor in undercover child trafficking case.”_ Yes, that’s more like it.

Arthur’s phone pinged.

**555-135-1914**

**hey! i’ll be there in like 5 mintues or smth** **  
** **ur not there already r u?**

**I am… I just got here…**

**aw man i wanted to be there 1st :(**

So he _is_ showing up then. Arthur ground his teeth as he tried to keep himself calm. No need to make a scene now. The man was coming, and then Arthur would figure what to do. As far as Arthur was concerned, he was the one with the advantage. He was already here so it was the stranger who was walking into the unknown. Arthur could surely figure out who the guy was as soon as he entered the cafe.

So as Arthur stayed where he sat, Arthur turned his attention away from the other customers and instead he stared at the door, watch who came in and who came out. Whoever this guy was, Arthur didn’t really peg him to be someone of intelligence. Just who texts a stranger so casually? And so like a child in primary school… It made the overall meeting difficult because this guy was too hard to read. He was just too unpredictable and just, very unlikely.

Watching the entrance, in the short few minutes, Arthur watched some customers leave while others came in. As he looked at each person entering, Arthur wondered if that was the stranger, but they seemed to ordinary. Not like someone who’d be looking to meet with someone. The guy didn’t know what Arthur looked like, nor Arthur the other man, but Arthur felt sure he would be able to spot the guy. After all, the stranger would have to be the one looking at his phone. And low and behold, a man came in through the door, his eyes glued to his phone as he entered inside.

 _‘Is it him?’_ Arthur wondered as he studied the man. He was a little over average height, dressed is a dull grey tee and in denim jeans. He was blonde and sporting glasses, blue, and he was young. Very young. 22 young. Arthur was confused. Arthur’s phone pinged.

 **hey! i’m here! :D** **  
** **where r u?**

Arthur stared at the text and then glanced back at the blonde with glasses. He was now looking around the Starbucks from where he stood, though trying not to look so obvious. The guy wasn’t doing anything, although Arthur would catch him staring over at the counter.

 _‘No, that couldn’t be him.’_ Arthur told himself as he readied to text the Craigslist stranger. _‘Surely here for a date. The man I’m looking for wouldn’t look so… regular.’_

 **Try and guess…** **  
** **I’m nearby…**

**hmm… r u the lady w/ brown hair? Pink top?**

**No, I’m not…**

**r u the lady with the baby?**

**No…**

**r u the lady with glasses on?**

**Not even close…**

**ur not making this easy** ****  
**maybe we should have bruoght roses with us XDDD** **  
** **ok i’m standing by the door, can u see me?**

By now, Arthur’s previously thoughts were removed, and now he was absolutely, positively livid. It _is_ him. The bloke with the glasses and grey tee. It was that fucker with a photo of Peter! Staring at his texts, Arthur knew exactly who he was talking to, but for once, he was speechless. He had all these thoughts and plans, and now he didn’t know what to do— because he wanted to do them all. Grinding his teeth, Arthur was so hyperfocused on the man that he didn’t notice the new texts he received.

 **r u in the bathroom or smth?** ****  
**u won’t beleive this but some guy is giving me the stank eye** ****  
**like i didn’t even do anything** ****  
**it feels like he’s going to kill me** ****  
**i don’t even kno the guy** ****  
**he looks so creepy** ****  
**i thought a Starbucks would be too preppy for goths** ****  
**he’s got all these tatoos & shit like** **  
** **it’s daytime why is he out lol**

Arthur’s lips pressed as the corner of his mouth twitched. Suppressing the urge to laugh, Arthur thought it was time to text back. Oh he was going to enjoy this.

 **Sorry, yes…  
** **Why don’t you wait outside the restrooms?  
**I’ll be just out to meet you…****

****

**ok! :D** ****  
**good i don’t think i can stand being near this guy** ****  
**so creepy!** ****  
**u think that’s his resting bitch face?** **  
** **poor guy no wonder he’s emo lol**

Grinding his teeth, Arthur watched the man walk over to the restrooms, and unbeknownst to him, Arthur stood up and followed suit. As the man turned the corner to enter by the restrooms, Arthur stalked towards him, staying silent as he approached the other. The urge to punch the man was strong, but Arthur kept his cool. It was when his steps echoed in the hall did the man turn around and visibly stiffen up from when he looked up from his phone to see Arthur glaring right at him.

 _“‘You won’t believe this, but some guy is giving me the stank eye… He’s got all these tattoos and shit like… So creepy! You think that’s his resting bitch face? Poor guy, no wonder he’s emo, L-O-L.’”_ Arthur read aloud. Lifting his eyes from his phone, Arthur could see the man shaking from where he stood. Well wasn’t this pathetic? Not so cocky anymore. Another ping.

**pls don’t kill me**

Arthur rolled his eyes and pocketed his phone. “Restroom, now.” He demanded as he opened the door to the men’s restroom. Without a word, the man ran passed Arthur and into the restroom. When Arthur followed inside, Arthur saw the man run straight into a stall, presumably locking himself inside.

“Oh god I’m going to die! Oh my god don’t kill me!” He heard the man shout from within the stall. Arthur growled as he stomped over to the stall.

“I have _every_ damn right to kill you!” Arthur snapped as he slammed his fist onto the stall.

“Oh god you _are_ going to kill me!” The man screamed. “I’m too young for this! I don’t want to die! This isn’t how I planned it to end!”

“Shut up!” Arthur yelled, but the man kept wailing from behind the door.

“I thought if I died it was because I saved people from a burning building, not death by some screamo!”

Arthur groaned and covered his hands over his face as the man continued to cry out his dismal hopes and dreams. Why was this happening to him. Just what had he done to deserve this? “Stop. Screaming. I am just here to talk. I am not here to kill you.” Arthur said, his voice low and strained as he tried to talk with the other man.

The man’s blabbering ceased, and hesitantly he spoke. “How do I know you’re not going to kill me?”

“Do I look like a murderer?” Arthur asked, waiting for a moment before deciding no, he didn’t want to hear the man’s answer. “Don’t answer that. Look, I’m here to discuss your ad, not kill you in a lousy Starbucks.”

“Are you sure?” The man asked in disbelief. Really, what was he going to do? Kill the man with his shoe lace? Sure Arthur was pissed but he wasn't a depraved murderer.

“Yes, I’m sure. Unlock the stall and come out.” Arthur demanded as he took a step back. Soon he heard a click and the man started to step out, but Arthur lurched forward when the man tried to make a run for it. Grabbing the man by the collar, Arthur struggled to keep the man still.

“Oh god you lied!” The man shouted as he tried to wrestle away from Arthur.

“And you tried to run away you shite!” Arthur spat as he dug his fingers into the man’s arm.

“Because you're like, standing right there! That’s creepy man!”

“Creepy? You want to tell me that’s creepy! Why don't we switch places and talk about how some _stranger_ has a photo of my child in their office!” Arthur yelled as he shoved the man away from him.

The other man stilled and for a moment, he looked confused until realization hit him.

“So, you’re saying, the kid I have framed on my desk… is your kid?”

“Yes, he is.”

“No,” the man gasped, looking at Arthur as if he spotted a unicorn. “No way.”

“Oh ‘yes way’. Now, tell me how the hell you found a picture of my son. Are you stalking my son? Are you some sort of pervert?” Arthur demanded as he narrowed his eyes. The other man made a sour face.

“What? Oh hell no. I googled ‘little kid playing soccer’ and looked for a picture without a watermark… And uh, guess I ended up finding a photo of your son online. Nothing creepy I swear! I told you, I lied about having a kid at work, so… Well you read my ad…” He said sheepishly. Arthur deflated.

“So, you’re just a stupid college kid, who lied about having a kid so he can play hooky at work.”

“…Yes I think that’s been establish enough…” The man sighed, looking defeated. “So, are you going to help me or… I don't know? Beat me up for finding a picture of your son?”

“I had a mind to do that, but honestly what you did is so stupid I just feel sorry for you.” Arthur huffed as he crossed his arms.

“So… Is that a ‘I’ll help you?’” The man asked, looking chipper than before. Arthur blanked.

“Are you really asking that?”

“My guy I am desperate.”

Arthur stared at the man. This man was nothing of his expectations. And then it dawned on Arthur. “Holy shit, you’re completely seriously. This isn’t a prank. You literally lied about having kid at your work. You lied about having a kid.” Arthur said, repeating the information to him because it was simply too surreal to be true.

The other man sighed and groaned.

“Yes, yes. I literally _just_ said that, why are you asking me that again?”

“It’s just too stupid to comprehend, I think I’m going into shock.” Arthur said as he brushed back his hair. Wow, he was talking to a certified idiot. “Hold on, I need a moment to think, I’ve think I’ve had enough stupid for the day,” Arthur muttered as he started to walk away.

“Hey wait, are you not going to help me!?”

Arthur turned around and gave the man an incredulous look. “Um, no. I’m not. Stop using my son’s photo. That makes you a creep Mr. ‘I’m Not a Pedophile’.”

“No! No! No! Look, please, just help me out, okay? I’m not a creeper or anything, I’m really not. My name’s Alfred F. Jones, I’m 22, and I’m going to college at and getting a degree in robotics and artificial intelligence. I know you don’t owe me anything, and that I got myself into this place, but please you’re my only help, um…”

Arthur studied Alfred for a moment. Alfred had a point, Arthur owes him nothing, and Alfred’s done nothing but cause worry for Arthur on Peter’s behalf. But now that Arthur looked at Alfred some more, he looked more like a pathetic college kid than some any experienced man. Arthur internally groaned. Was he really going to baby this kid? Hell, Alfred might have introduced himself, but he was still just a stranger…

“Arthur Kirkland. And, I’ll help you.” Alfred’s face lit up.

“Oh my god! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Gosh, where should we talk? A meeting in the bathroom is kinda weird, but I guess in you’re into that, I mean—”

“Shut up, I’m not done talking. I’ll help you, but since I’m putting my faith that you will not place my child in any danger, I want thrice your original renting price.”

Alfred tilted his face. “$150 for one day? Dude, I’m poor. Even paying 50 dollars makes me cry.”

“Oh that’s not my problem. No matter what you may say to your coworkers, at the end of the day, Peter is _my_ child, Alfred. This isn’t my issue here, I’m the one offering you a favour.” Arthur pointed out as he watched Alfred’s face contort.

“I…” Alfred bit his lip. “I’m going to have to give you a raincheck on this, uh, Arthur. It was… nice meeting you.”

Arthur pursed his lips. “Likewise. It’s unfortunate that we met like this. I’m sure you’re a brilliant mind. Robotics and whatnot. Good luck.” And with that. Arthur left Alfred to his own device. What a pity. He almost felt sorry for the kid, but Arthur was at least pleased that Peter wasn’t in any sort of danger and that there wasn’t some pervert on the look for children. Just a college student making the poorest of decisions. Poor sod, but he’s got to face the consequences of his actions. Everyone does eventually.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said I was excited for this chapter, and wow. I just really love writing this. I just, never smiled more when writing this.  
> Oh, and for clarification, Arthur’s a punk, not the goth emo screamo Alfred think he is lmao. I don’t think the fandom gets enough punk daddy Arthur ;D

**Author's Note:**

> woot woot my first story on ao3 and definitely not the fanfic I thought I'd be uploading lmao ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


End file.
